So this forgiveness thing has been lingering in my mind since Emmy talked about it two weeks ago in class. What is charity? Why should we do it? Why does it matter?
She started off talking about all kinds of love. The whole spectrum from affection and friendship to romance holds a fundamental assumption in the balance -that a person has the ability to open themselves up to the possibility that they can empathize with, improve, understand, or share life with that other person. Charity means not only volunteering personal possessions or money to help disadvantaged people but it means generosity of the heart and an open mind. It means getting to know people and helping them when and where they need it most. Assuming that a person is a certain way and then getting to know them means chances are you might be wrong. Judging someone is not charitable. Emmy also said charity begins at home. Families instill that value in people.
This concept of charity caught hold of me. So did the idea that I may have some unfinished business a la Ghost Town. Maybe I haven't been charitable enough to my friends or enemies. I am very supportive of being charitable toward people as a larger more anonymous group, say children who need tutoring, than I do an individual. For example it was hard to forgive past friend who has wronged me. Forgiving old friends is a particular hardship of mine, possibly due to pride but I believe more accurately due to a feeling of betrayal and distrust. Those two feelings are mean, nasty pair. They tore me up inside and made me bitter against most people. They have made me distrust others, people's motives and myself for having such a naivete in believing that those individuals had good, strong character.
After Emmy's talk I was reminded of all of the middle school bullies (katie zarella and jung lee's posse of brats) who tried to drag me down and make my life hell during an already unbelievably awful year. I had a hard time forgiving their cruelty but I did. I thought of sorority sisters in college who royally stabbed me in the back and put a rancid stain my whole experience at USC. In fact, for two years after the fact, I had blocked out most memories of college good or bad. I thought of Sandra/Sandy who was the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde person who I thought was a best friend I would have for life, who also chose drinking and debauchery over me. Ironically, she didn't do the most damage. Instead she taught me the most and made me realize how far I had strayed from my true self. For that I am grateful. I also thought of my brother and the sour role he has played in my life. I thought of my family and the mean and hurtful things that they say and do to each other and to me.
I know better than to hold a grudge or keep everything in but it is really hard for me. In the end, what good does it do me or them or you? If nobody speaks up nobody grows. I am at the point where I would like to set the record straight with some of them not to judge but to express myself, educate, and let this anger go. I feel like if I let the anger go and speak my peace, I am free to find new more positive things to experience. My issue at the moment is how to start. To say sorry and to be sorry are two different things. To forgive the feelings need to be authentic. How does one forgive?
I would be interested to hear about your experiences with the concepts of charity, love and forgiveness and any pointers you may have.
5 comments:
Very true- saying sorry and being sorry are two very different things. Let it go. For reals, how long will you hold on? Things happen, people change, some come and go--you either learn and truly grow from the experience or you dwell in this so-called anger, pain, grudge. The irony, you get sucked into the negativity and the those around you grow and prosper. How to be forgive depends on what you want out of things. Be a free spirit. Stop working at identifying all the issues and work past them. Speak you mind, write, volunteer, stay busy, etc. How to start? Be real with yourself. Stop doing and saying what you "should" or are expected to do. Be yourself! In the end all that matters is how you feel in the inside. However, stop being the judge for others. Preaching and preaching is not the answer. Take a stand and live what you preach.
I am not preaching. I am acknowledging a problem. I am asking for ideas and help. Sorry if that was misunderstood.
no, your intentions were clear. and in your defense, it's kind of hard to call it preaching when you're the one asking for help. (if somebody felt like you were preaching to them, chances are you hit too close to a nerve of something they aren't ready to deal w/ in their own life. so i wouldn't worry about it.)
i won't presume to tell you how to go about your own forgiveness process. all i'd say is that you're an empathetic person who wants the best for others. follow that instinct and you'll know what you need to do.
forgiveness is tough- especially when it's trust and concerning someone close to you. I have been here... I was very hurt a few years back.
I can say that daily prayer to think positive thoughts about this person really helped. Time in general was a BIG help. Forgiveness definitely doesn't happen over night- it's a process.
I also tried to go against my feelings (the natural man) of avoiding that person or speaking badly of them to others. I found when I went out of my way to be kind to them (though it was a huge challenge)that helped the process of getting over the hurt. I also challenged myself to stop talking about the wrong that they had done to people. I think initially you have to talk about it, it's human, it's how we get over it. But by continuing to take about it (negatively)for a long period of time, it just continues to reopen the wound.
Just try to see what you were suppose to learn from the experience, apply it, and keep moving on... sometimes very slowly. Just make sure it is always progress!
You're great!! Thanks for a great post. I second that this was in no way preachy- anonymous comments are always weak. :)
Wow, the Axelgards are taking the sweep on this one, folks--the anonymous one doesn't count, after all. It only counts if you bravely put your name behind it :o)
Actually, what I just wrote out to you is too personal for this. I will email it to you, OK?
Love you!!!
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